How to start a fight
February 9th 2009 00:08
Thought we could all do with a cheap laugh this Monday morning… The following text came from a forwarded email titled (drum roll…) And then the fight started.
*** *** *** *** ***
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started.
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started.
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
And then the fight started.
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started.
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started.
*** *** *** *** ***
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started.
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started.
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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.
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I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And then the fight started.
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started.
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*author of text unknown
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Comment by Kleonaptra
Kalikapsychosis
Have you heard this one? I think I got it out of Readers Digest - it definitely deserves to be on this page!
Tired man gets home from work after a hard day. He sits his hot, tired self down in his favourite armchair and turns on the tv to take a breather. Wife comes out of the kitchen,
"How was your day dear?"
"Pretty bad. Can you get me a beer before it starts?"
Wife looks at him, dirty boots, dirty sweaty clothes, but says nothing and gets the beer, returning to the kitchen. A few minutes later she returns.
"how are you feeling now?"
"Better hun, but could I have another beer before it starts?"
Wife gives him a hard look, but agrees, returning again to the kitchen. She returns a few minutes later.
"Feeling any better now?"
"Oh yeah love, much. But Id love another beer before it starts."
"LOOK! You come in here with your dirty boots on my clean floor, your dirty clothes on the armchair, you know theres chores to be done, but all you want is to sit in front of the Tv with your damn beer!"
"Forget it. Its started"
Comment by The Rusty Can
Everything
Have a great day!
Comment by Janet Collins
Acceptable Etiquette
The Social Critic
Janet Collins Blog
And that goes for yours too, Kleo.
Comment by Damo
Comment by The Rusty Can
Everything
Comment by The Rusty Can
Everything